How to Overcome Infidelity In Your Marriage (And Prevent Divorce!)

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— How to Overcome Infidelity In Your Marriage

When someone you love betrays your trust, it can feel like an hopeless hurdle to overcome. But the truth is, with a little tender love and care, and dedication from both spouses, it's completely possible for your marriage to survive infidelity.

My name is Brad Browning, I’m a marriage coach from Vancouver, BC. You may recognize me from another one of my videos, or have heard about my best-selling Mend the Marriage program, designed to help married couples work through their hardships and recommit to one another. But today I’m going to talk about how to overcome cheating in your marriage.

Before we get started it’s important to note that before any progress can be made in repairing the marriage, the unfaithful spouse must first end their affair. Once that’s done, both spouses must commit to repairing the damage, rebuilding trust, and working through the following steps to save their marriage and emerge stronger on the other side.

Here they are:

1. Openly talk about the affair.

In order to move past the infidelity, it’s important that both partners are given the opportunity to share their feelings and get the insight they need to move on. The betrayed spouse should ask questions about the things they need to know. For example, how long did the affair last? Was it sexual or emotional? What was the extent of the lies that were told to conceal it? And is there any risk of an STD or pregnancy? Although they may have the urge to learn the x-rated details of the sexual encounters, they shouldn’t ask. Instead of causing more unnecessary pain, keep the focus on the relationship, not the affair.

It’s also important that the unfaithful spouse shares the thoughts and feelings they had that caused them to cheat. Doing so will help you both understand the underlying problems you face.

2. Practice honesty and work on rebuilding trust.

It’s crucial that spouses provide all details honestly and completely, and take the steps necessary to prove their trustworthiness. Even though telling the truth can be tough, it’s been proven that couples heal better after an affair if the adulterous spouse supplies all of the information requested by his or her betrayed partner. If you never discuss it, you cannot recover. A willingness to talk about the affair will rebuild trust, but if you leave out details and they come out in the future, then your spouse will feel betrayed all over again.

Another great way to work on rebuilding trust is by making sure that your actions match up with your words. For example, if you say, "I love you," back it up with loving actions. If you say, "I want our marriage to work," then commit to being monogamous. There is nothing worse for your partner than to find out they’re being lied to.

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54 thoughts on “How to Overcome Infidelity In Your Marriage (And Prevent Divorce!)

  1. my wife wants a divorce but she refuses to do the papers. She also still tells me she loves me. Is it all a front and what should i do to get her back?

    1. Then that means she doesn’t want a divorce. So what’s going on? Give it time first since she may be confused. Sign up for my Mend the Marriage coaching program so I can help assess your situation clearly, look at all the other factors at play and see things you might have missed, then guide you accordingly on a regular, ongoing basis at www.marriageguy.com/coaching

    2. I treated her not the best but I’m working on being a better husband. But she also slept with someone else too. Saying that she would date him.

    3. Kevin Eastep
      When you say “she also slept with someone” do you mean she discovered…or you confessed to an affair (which she which is very important) THEN she slept with someone else as revenge? Knowing the utter devastation of being betrayed & rejected by the love of my life I KNOW that I was in shock & pretty much capable of anything or nothing…I never knew I could hurt that much.

    1. Thanks! If you haven’t already, please like, share, and subscribe to my channel so you won’t miss any of my upcoming videos. I’d really appreciate it! 🙂

  2. Hi Brad, I have been watching your videos since my husband left, almost a year ago. I was heartbroken and devastated and believed it was all my fault but later discovered he had been having an affair. I tried all your strategies and I have been fighting so hard to try and fix the marriage, but I have come to a point where I have accepted it is time to let go. While I couldn’t save my marriage, I am grateful to have come across your videos because I will take so many learnings into my future relationships. I am hoping for a new beginning. Please keep up all the videos, they helped me through a very painful time (they are very comforting), I’m sure they’re helping so many others.

    1. Louise Edwards have you been hurt by the infidelity of your spouse, do you want revenge? Contact us on Instagram @jasperderson to hack their Instagram, Facebook and Email account except from verified accounts and to be safe you pay after service.

  3. great video thank you! the first step you say is your spouse ending contact with affair spouse….well what if they have never told you they ended it, they just stopped working at the same place? so because he no longer works there, the affair is over for sure? he’s very defensive when I mention it, yelling at me that he ended it. he has never humbly told me on his own will its over with his affair partner, nor has he showed any proof that he ended it. he’s not remorseful, doesn’t show compassion and he won’t initiate recovery. so I feel there are still signs he is still in the affair. please help! and thank you!

    1. Thanks! Sorry to hear about what you’re going through though. I suggest to look at other areas of your marriage though. Majority would decide to just move on for good and start afresh with someone else, but a few would still fight for the relationship, so this all depends which side you’re in and what your views are. There is no right or wrong answer here because it is your relationship and it’s personal to you. Make sense? Anyway men and women cheat for different reasons, but if you think your ex is worth it and if there’s been a genuine connection between you two before the cheating happened, then try to see the roles that you BOTH played that led to all this mess and see once and for all if it can be resolved or not, okay? Really take your time before deciding though and be sure not to make any hasty decisions from an emotional place. Take care!

  4. Everything I read or watch about “recovering from cheating” says there has to be total honesty, apologies and understanding how the other spouse feels. Wow. I guess my marriage is doomed, lol. My husband had an affair behind my back for about a year and a half. Then I started hearing rumors that there were others too… He NEVER told me about it. Never admitted anything. I found out through the other women telling me, text messages, cards, letters, boxes of condoms hidden everywhere, etc. And one woman showing up at my job and contacting me on Facebook. Its been 2 years since I found out, now. I thought maybe in the beginning, he was just too embarrassed to open up and come clean. So I gave it LOTS of time, hoping he would calm down and relax, and THEN I would finally get some honesty and an apology. NOPE! To this day, he still won’t admit anything. Won’t apologize. Claims he never did anything wrong. Shows ZERO remorse. Calls me and the other women crazy. Keeps his phone and computer locked with passwords. Disappears all day, or all night, with NO explanation as to where he has been. No matter what I say or do, I cannot get him to be honest, or apologize, or understand how I feel. He just doesn’t seem to care at all. He says he doesn’t want me to leave. But if I do, I better have a VERY GOOD and permanent situation set up somewhere else, and I better not ever try to come back or contact him again. I don’t think a recovery can come from that… I don’t think he cares. He is just taking advantage of me, because I have nowhere to go. After my first divorce, I was living with my parents. Then I met him. After we moved in together, both my parents tragically died, 6 months apart (both of heart attacks). They were my only real family. He knows I have nowhere else to go. And he abuses that.

    1. I’m very sorry to hear that. I think he’s abandoning his commitment to this marriage. What happened? He won’t likely come clean anytime soon and it looks like he’s still in denial. Try to get to the root cause of your issue/s in marriage. Are you both still happy? How often do you two have sex? Do you still have sex? Sorry, these are highly personal questions. Consider signing up for my Mend the Marriage coaching program so I can help take a look at all the other factors at play and find out what’s really going on, monitor your situation, and guide you on a regular, ongoing basis at www.marriageguy.com/coaching

  5. Im not married but I have had a girlfriend for a couple years and she cheated. It has been about 5 months since but I dont want to just be survivors of it, i just want it all gone. I feel like its going to bog down the specialness of everything in our relationship. Like we arent really as great as we though we were and all our dreams for the future cant be a bright as they were before. So now im just living my life calling ourselves survivors rather than being 100% secure in my relationship as i once had. This makes me cry all the time. I need someone to help me.

    1. Sorry to hear that. It may take a long while before things can get back to normal indeed, if you decide to give it another go. Anyway majority would decide to just move on for good and start afresh with someone else, but a few would still fight for the relationship, so this all depends which side you’re on and what your views are. There is no right or wrong answer here because it is your relationship and it’s personal to you. Make sense? Anyway men and women cheat for different reasons, but if you think your ex is worth it and if there’s been a genuine connection between you two before the cheating happened, then try to see the roles that you BOTH played that led to all this mess and see once and for all if it can be resolved or not, okay? Really take your time before deciding though and be sure not to make any hasty decisions from an emotional place. Take care!

  6. I’m so embarrassed, my husband of 6 years married for a total of 17 years together betrayed me & lied to my face. Last year around June we were at a very bad place. We lived together but wasn’t talking to each other & we slept in 2 separate rooms. After listening to your podcasts & I started to apply them in my life things started to change for the better for us. Around the end of August we decided we were going to give us another chance. Everything from August up until March has been the best months of our relationship. Unfortunately my husband & I were enjoying one of our anniversaries & I received a call from a woman telling me about a sexual relationship that they had from June to October. I cannot explain the feelings I had on that day. The things she told me crushed me to my core. Afterwards he told me his truth about his affair which he don’t believe it was an affair. He thinks it was just sex. He told me that in his mind we were completely over & he just didn’t care what he did at that time. The woman is someone that I had already reached out to in July & left a voicemail asking her if she knew he was married with children & to please stay away from him. Obviously she didn’t since the had sex for 5 months & once he stopped all communication with her she decided to call me to tell me everything. However, she did say that he has not reached out to her in anyway since October but honestly they are both liars in my book. She said she just wanted to clear her mind. Yes she sounds bitter & yes he sounds remorseful. The problem I’m having is that, I feel the whole time I thought we were so happy was a lie. I don’t know what was real or fake in our relationship & yes I have decided to forgive my husband but I don’t know how. A couple days we are better than we have ever been then the next few days I’m feeling hurt & sad all over again. He of course wants us to just move on but I can’t keep the betrayal out of my mind. He has been doing & saying the right things but how do I know if they are true. He says I have nothing to worry about because he never want to see me hurt like that again & his biggest fear is that I’ll retaliate. Counseling is not an option. I feel like I’m drowning what can I do???

    1. Sorry to hear that. Sex outside your marriage is an affair. He’s likely in denial about it. Try to get him to see how his actions have affected the marriage. That’s one of the ways you both can get past it. As to forgiving him and learning to trust him again, that’s not gonna be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It would just take quite a bit of work to get there. The question now is, is he worth it? And does he seem really sorry for his actions? I hope he is, despite him being in denial about it. However, it’s really challenging for me to know where to give you a headstart, knowing only so little of the situation… Sign up for my Mend the Marriage coaching program so I can help take a look at all the other factors at play and find out what’s really going on, monitor your situation, and guide you on a regular, ongoing basis at www.marriageguy.com/coaching

    2. Wendy Daniels your story sounds exactly like mine. it’s been 4 months since I found out, same way you found out. It still consumes my thoughts everyday. Are you feeling better in your marriage? Take care and my thoughts are with you.

  7. About a month before we were supposed to get married, a girl I went to high school with messaged me on Facebook that her and my fiancé had been sending nude pictures and videos to each other. She told me that it had been stopped for almost a month but she was feeling really guilty and had to let me know.

    When I confronted my fiancé he was a mess. Throwing up, crying himself to sleep. He told me that it didn’t feel real to him, it was like porn that you could interact with. He did end up stop talking to her on his own, and didn’t tell me because he had ended it and thought it would hurt me less that I would have to know it ever happened.

    I knew he was truly sorry. He showed me everyday with his words and his actions. I decided to still go on with the marriage.

    That was actually kind of a magical time, we both re realized how much we loved each other and the passion we had in the beginning came back.

    However, now that it has been a couple months since things calmed down, my emotions are starting to get worse. I know still in my heart that I want this to work out and that it is the best thing for both of us but it is just so hard sometimes to convince myself that staying in a relationship I know I will still have pain and resentment in years later is worth it. I don’t know how to get out of the dark whole my mind is replaying everything they told me over and over every day.

    Once we have talked all we can talk about and I have thought all I can think about it now it is just repeating itself, is it better to just push those thoughts out of my head? Downplay it in my mind once I have decided I am staying?

    How do I get the spiral of memories out of my head and try and be normal again?

    1. Give him time to process what has happened. The more he trusted you, the more painful it’s gonna be for him and the more time you’ll need to fix things, so be patient. Here, you may want to watch this to help guide you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYXBzltbx1E&t=40s If you still need my help further on this, however, then you and I both ought to take a look at a lot of various factors at play, so sign up for my coaching program so I can help take a look at all the various factors at play including your overall relationship history, issue/s, among many other elements, and to find out what’s really going on, monitor your situation, and guide you accordingly on a regular, ongoing basis. Check on availability first because I only have a limited number of clients I can realistically manage before I go into spontaneous combustion. 🙂 Here’s the link: www.breakupbrad.com/coaching

    2. Kristy Greer I say you’re luckier than most because he didn’t physically cheat on you. I know what he did can be viewed just as bad but he didn’t physically touch another woman. And I definitely think that thought is much easier to handle than physical cheating. My fiance/baby’s father cheated on me one year ago but I just recently found out a few months ago and it still hurt like hell to this very day even though I can see he is trying to do his best to change and make me happy. We are stronger now more than ever before in the 7 years we have been together and what I have learned throughout all this pain is without the struggle, we wouldn’t be who/where we are today. Sometimes people have to go thru the struggle to get to the top.

    3. Kristy Greer have you been hurt by the infidelity of your spouse, do you want revenge? Contact us on Instagram @jasperderson to hack their Instagram, Facebook and Email account except from verified accounts and to be safe you pay after service.

  8. Brad, just wanted to ask you, I know for certain that my husband is having an emotional affair, so how can I get him back. He doesn’t know that I know.

    1. Do you know this for a fact? Sorry to hear that. Before anything else, watch this first: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9GbRm1J7mc&t=18s The steps you’re supposed to take depends on how far this affair of his has gotten. If you want to find out your chances at saving your marriage, head over towww.marriageguy.com/quiz and take the free quiz there. Good luck!

    2. Brad Browning I have previously been one of your customers and told you that I am going to apply for coaching on mend the marriage program. But many things have turned in unexpected ways so I would like to contact you before applying for the program. Is there any other way I can contact you?

  9. sir my parents decide a girl for marry but after 3 month I come to know that she has affaire in past…. now she is saying that I forgotten my past…. but I doubt that she still love her BF now what to do sir…. should I Mary or not???

    1. Man that’s a decision you ultimately have to make. Take time considering, though, since this is a lifelong decision, so I suggest you don’t rush.

  10. Brad 3 weeks ago I found out my wife had an “emotional affair” which I think was sexual also… It was nine months long. I forgave her and she agreed to try and make things work. She denies having slept with this person of course. That bothers me a little bit but what bothers me the most is not knowing this persons name, what he looks like and stuff about him that she liked….. Am I wrong for wanting to have closure on that. And of course I wouldn’t do anything stupid… that’s not the reason for wanting to know

    1. You aren’t wrong at all. Most, if not all people in this kind of situation often talk about it once or twice, just don’t talk about it too many times though. Get that closure talk about what really happened that time she cheated and ask her all you want to ask her. Full disclosure is needed if you’re ever going to work on this relationship again.

  11. Thank you, this video really helped. After 10 years of marriage I still can’t believe it happened. Its over now n we working on it but it’s still n the 1st 24hours. I would not wish this pain on the worst of people. God bless all.

    1. You’re welcome. Sorry to hear that. Take time to heal though and you’ll be on your way to bigger and better things before you know it! 🙂

    1. Thanks for the support. If it’s not too much to ask and if you haven’t done so yet, please like, share, and subscribe to my channel so you won’t miss any of my upcoming videos. I’d really appreciate it! 🙂

  12. To me cheating is unacceptable and shouldn’t be tolerated. It’s hard because for me once trust is gone it’s hard to get it back. Always wondering what that person is doing when you aren’t around, or what they might be doing on their phone is not a life I want to live. It’s not easy to leave but it’s necessary because once someone shows you their true colors believe them.

  13. I think you should do an online cheating video my husband is talking to other females online (some sexual) he is denial that’s cheating I moved out because of this I’m at lost of what to do he says that we are together but won’t stop talking to girls

  14. It’s true that the wayward spouse has to be 100% supportive and understanding with the betrayed spouse. Especially when continually bringing up the affair. It may be frustrating for the wayward, but it’s part of the healing process for the betrayed. They’ve been through a huge trauma and it’s sort of like their brain trying to come to terms with the affair. The brain of the betrayed plays the affair over and over again shortly after the affair is brought to light and they are just trying to make sense of it all.

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