11 thoughts on “How to Save a Marriage After An Affair – Shutting Down The Visions

  1. My husband and I are married for the past 11 years. My first child died just after giving birth. While I was going through my emotional patch he decide to find love else where. Nine months after the first baby died I got my daughter who is two years four months now. He walked out of our home when my daughter was 14 days old and only came back 2 months ago. he started visiting us three weeks ago but is still living with the woman. I am still married and do not know if I should moved on or tried and talked to him about our marriage. He does not want a divorced and he would ask our daughter if she wants him to sleep over but when his phone rings he just get up and walk out. Confused mother and wife. 

    1. What Ur husband did is 100% wrong and selfish. He wants his cake and eat it too! Either he’s in or out. He choose to cheat. if there is no remorse or sympathy, get out and protect yourself. If you don’t it will mess u up emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
      You won’t be able to be a good mother or anything else if he is going to continue to hurt you.
      It doesn’t work.
      pray for Wisdom. I’m talking about my own experience.
      it could consume you if you don’t confront it reality
      blessings to you

  2. I found out about my husband’s affair 9 months ago. We have been together since early high school and we both thought that we had a wonderful connection and worked hard at keeping our marriage honest, open and growing (although I was the one who really was the leader of that). He started his affair 2 months after the birth of our third child (I wanted three kids but he was content with two- after many months of discussion and compromise he agreed to go ahead with baby #3). After we became pregnant, he checked out and went into a dark rejecting place. He attended counselling and thought that he had dealt with his issues of wanting to be right that baby #3 was not a great idea. Then she was born and we had an incredibly birth experience together (one of the best days of his life, next to our wedding day- is what he says). I accidentally found out about the affair through his texts coming to my phone and the first 24 hrs after finding out, he lied until I found out that he been lying by seeing an email to the affair person asking her to lie. (His affair partner was a colleague that he was attracted to for 10 years and she is married with two young kids). Once the truth was out we spent hours talking about the details and he was so remorseful and wished that he could take it back. We have attended many programs and counselling sessions together and individually over the past 9 months. He has been remorseful, there for me, trying to help me with reframing the affair, however I am very stuck on the pain of the idea that he was intimate with another woman and told her many times that he loved her. He tells me that he was numbing out and although he was excited for her and felt the buzz, it was infatuation and part of an addictive type of reactions once he was in the affair- his brain liked the sensation and wanted more- he was in a fog. He says that he never wanted to leave me and that he never stopped loving me. he enjoyed our time together while the affair was going on. He says that he is aware that he had many vulnerabilities within himself and needed to ask for his needs to be met but didn’t. We are aware that there were dynamics that needed to be tweaked and negative beliefs about ourselves and patterns that we have been carrying around with us since childhood . I want to forgive him and see that he is a human and made a mistake but I am so hurt. This is a person I have spent most of my life with since early adolescence- he has been my best friend (and I probably am somewhat codependent since I grew up with him and made him my world). I love him, I love our family, but I am so hurt. My needs weren’t being met either and I would talk to him about it, but it didn’t seem to change. I am angry that even though I felt pain at times, I chose to keep working, to be vulnerable with him and not to go out and crazy fun rush and exciting new kiss and sex etc. I also feel humiliated that I wanted to work so hard at our marriage and try to be better people but he didn’t do his part and then shows the world how unhappy he was with me- it really burns. I want to forgive but there is a part that wants to hold onto the pain to make him pay for damaging what we created and taking the easy way out instead of working hard at our marriage. I know that there will never be enough punishment that he can experience to take away this hurt and devastation that he has caused so I know I shouldn’t want to keep punishing him but its addictive. I am scared that I am doomed (I know I have a neg belief system and that gets in my way of healing because not only do I have to heal from the affair, I have to heal these neg beliefs that I have been believing for most of my life). Can I really get over this? I’m scared of what the outcome will be and that makes me mad that I now have to let go of the affair, let go of my pain and forgive or lose what has been so important to me. I feel scared.

    1. I just read your comment. You pretty much summed up my life and what I’m going through and dealing with mentally and emotionally right now. I feel miserable and feel just like you. However, my husband and I are just now finally getting help from counselors, and he’s still on the fence about his affair and how he wants to move forward. We’ve been married 20 years. High school sweethearts 27 years ago. We have two kids. He has had an emotional affair for 4 years and has tried many times to end things with her. Like an addiction, he kept going back to her. I knew about the relationship and betrayal after two and a half years of it. That was a year and a half ago when I found out. And he ended any contact with her for good. Three weeks ago I saw a text from her on his cellphone. Apparently after he ended it, it started up again 6 weeks later. He kept it a secret for the next year and a half partly because he broke it off with her so many times with the intention of not seeing her again, and since he wasn’t seeing her, he didn’t want to tell me and get me all hurt again. I was his first and only sexual partner until this affair. So not only do I have trust issues, but also the pain of his actions on so many levels. And he now has to deal with his choices, his destructive behavior, and the consequences of all that he has done. He lived a double life. He and I do everything together… hike, bike, camp, run, rock climb, kayak, paddleboard, travel, concerts, dinner together every night, no complaints with our sex life, etc., but somehow he figured out how to find moments to still have this affair… texting, phone calls, spending time with her while I was at work. He says he cares about me and loves me and thinks what we have is great. But he fell in love with this other person and connected with her during a vulnerable time in his life, and so now he’s having a hard time letting her go. Part of him wants to stay married to me and feels he has a lot to lose… and a part of him wants to leave me and discover this whole other life that he has a longing for because he thinks it’ll be better and more exciting. So that’s where we’re at. I love my husband more than anything. But I also feel like I need to protect my heart. I’ve been an emotional wreck and distressed, but yet strong and loving and compassionate. My mind and heart are both conflicted. This is why I’m seeking counseling and watching videos like these – to save my marriage. My husband is getting counseling, too.

  3. Hello, thanks for this post.  My husband and I have been together for 15 yrs, and married for 12 yrs.  We met in high school; he is my only boyfriend, we married young and I was his first sexual encounter.  He has been unfaithful to me taking other women out on dates throughout our marriage but “has not gotten the courage to have sex with them” as he put it.  We are from the Caribbean , and in our culture, it’s allowed for a man to have several women, starting at a early age.  He says that he loves me, wants to be with me, does not see his life without me in it, but he feels very inadequate as a man to have had slept only with one woman–me.  He says that when  he had the opportunity to sleep with another woman, he couldn’t perform because he kept thinking of me.  We love each other and have 4 children.  I’m not sure how to help him because I do understand our culture is part to blame but every now and then I feel resentful of him.  I have been only with him and has been faithful.  I don’t feel inadequate for having been with only him.  He says to me and to even his friend that our sex life is amazing. We have fun together, I still have a nice body, eats healthy, intelligent, take great care of my house while I also work as  a nurse.  I ‘m at a lost.  He refuses counseling.  What do I do? none of us wants a divorce!

  4. *I am very grateful for this book being made available online [Check Details Here ===**https://www.facebook.com/Save-my-Marriage-1434736473205798/app/208195102528120** ]. My husband moved in with another woman into our home. It was the practical guides from this book that helped me know how to handle the whole situation in a very positive way. Today my husband has broken off the affair and is back to our marriage.*

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    2. interesting points ,if anyone else wants to uncover how to save your marriage try Tarbetti Marriage Improver Tutor (do a search on google ) ? Ive heard some decent things about it and my buddy got great results with it.

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