How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair

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A question that I'm regularly approached with is "how do I save my marriage if my spouse has found out about my affair?"

In this video I explain the most effective way to go about doing this. Instead of forcing your spouse to immediately end their affair, taking a more hands off approach will increase the odds of preventing a divorce. If you're too forceful, it's human nature that the other spouse will back off and file for divorce.

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Full Video Transcript:

Hi I'm Michele Weiner Davis and I'm the founder of and today's topic is about infidelity.

One question that people ask me a lot is "how do I save my marriage when I know my spouse is having an affair?"

Sometimes it's simple and sometimes it's not quite so simple. Let me talk about the simpler situation first. I just had a couple this week where the wife was having an affair and the husband snooped a little bit and found out that she had actually met this guy in another city and he was devasted and confronted her about it, and she was so remorseful. She loves her husband. She doesn't really know how this happened. She made a bad choice. She would do anything to save her marriage.

Then it's clearer what to do to save the marriage because she was willing to give up this affair and give it up cold turkey. Then they could begin to heal and begin to rebuild the foundation of their relationship. He had the right to ask her to do whatever he needed her to do to comfort him.

However, many situations aren't like that. One person finds out the other person is having an affair and that spouse is not willing to give up that affair. When the spouse is confronted they get very angry, defensive. "I can't believe you were snooping, this is my life". Let's face it, then you do not have any leverage. You have a choice to make. You can dry a line in the sand and say I'm not going to put up with this, "you need to end this affair or it's over." Chances are, I'm telling you, nobody likes to be pressured into a corner. You're likely to end your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to do something that is counter-intuitive. It will take all of your strength. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done. You have to back off, you have to give your spouse a little space. Because most affairs end within 6 months. It's a complicated thing, because you need to focus on your own life and not put pressure on your spouse to end their affair. Sometimes you have to have some expert advice to hold your hand and walk you down that route so you know exactly what to do.

That's where a Divorce Busting Coach can really come in handy. They will give you a step by step map of what you need to say or what you need to do, and most importantly what you need not to say or do to the spouse who is having an affair. So test the waters. You can confront your spouse, but if your spouse gives you a hard time, do not pressure your spouse any further. You can actually make matters worse. A line in the sand may just mean the end of your marriage. Consider using a Divorce Busting Coach to help you find the way.

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11 thoughts on “How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair

  1. I have a Q. I’m a man married and I love my wife. I love to have sex, I wish I can have it 10 times a day. But, my wife doesn’t like it, I have to ask almost each time…. I think shouldn’t be like that. My Q is should I divorce her or stay with her and find me an other woman that I can have fun with?
    I really need answer. I talked to her many time and her answer always sorry I’ll change sorry. And after back to some.

  2. Although there are no universal rules about how often people should have sex, your wanting sex 10 times a day makes me wonder whether you have a sex or love addiction. While sex is a wonderful part of marriage, it can’t be the only part of marriage. You and your wife have very different sex drives but you could find ways to compromise. Just remember, having an affair never solves anything.

  3. If you values and beliefs are to not cheat…why would you throw those values you have out the window- based on her actions? Her doing the wrong thing does not give you permission to abandon you values just because she did- because ultimately or eventually you will be held responsible for ‘your’ actions.

  4. My husband swears he has not touched her. It’s all sex-ting on his phone. I dont buy it.I know when he finally gets out of his mid life crisis, him and her will be over. Right now I leave him alone. I dont call him, and I dont put up with his abusive behavior either. I can’t stomach the thought of him sweating with someone else. It makes me sick. When he does come home, as I expect he will want to, how am I going to know for sure if he was with her or not ? If so ? He is gone.

  5. The risk of diseases is too high. I would move on to another relationship and leave the cheater to their own misery

  6. What are you supposed to do if you separated with intent to work things out only to find that your spouse has been dealing with someone else and when caught they say they’ll give it up but they don’t then they tell you i love you but i don’t think I’m in love? I have been trying but you can’t work anything out when your being ignored and told that you were toxic in their lives. Also when trying to end it they cry and do things to get you back in limbo while they go back to ignoring you i don’t get what to do.

    1. I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is much that can be done. Call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004 Cristy

    1. Hi there, 🙂
      I cannot thank you enough for your wonderful feedback,:) you have made my day:)
      So sorry for not getting back to you earlier,as i have many comments to answer.
      I am so pleased that you are and have enjoyed my posts:)

      I am thrilled at the fact that you are getting something good for yourself from my website:)
      Keep on looking through my posts, as i will be uploading so much more.
      A big GOD bless to you,and do look up,as our GOD looks at what is in our heart,and not the outside(our body)
      I thank you again so,so much for your most wonderful comments,and i love you for it,may our dear LORD GOD bless you richly,
      now and always, all the best to you always,yours sincerely – Kathryn (Kathryn Corbett) :):):)

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